Ten Years

            My first thought as I put on my makeup today was that ten years ago I didn’t wear makeup. The last time I saw my mother alive I was fresh-faced, my biggest worry was how fast I could run a mile in P.E. and my big weekend plans still involved the Disney channel. It’s amazing how much life can change in one decade. In fact, decade is a hefty word full of meaning. It represents an entire chunk of time passing, with new cultural fads, new technological innovations. As much as my life has changed, I hate the fact that a decade implies that enough time has gone by to escape the hurt that comes with losing someone so close to you. It’s not. No matter how many personal changes I’ve gone through, that hurt remains with you for life. The regret for words left unsaid has followed me into each new relationship. Career accomplishments come with the shadow of the one person who can’t tell me they’re proud of me. The loneliness can find you anywhere, even deep in the hills of Tuscany where I thought I could disappear from everything left behind.

            That’s not to say that strength doesn’t come from tragedy.

Losing my mother gave me appreciation for the tiniest things. Even living this summer, amongst the noise and the rush that is New York City, hasn’t stopped me from noticing when the sky is my favorite shade of blue before a storm, or from recognizing the kindness of the person who calls out to me when I leave behind my Metro card. I am determined to succeed. Ambition isn’t a choice, because I need to know that my life is worth watching from above. As my memories of my mom fade more each day, I fight to strengthen the ties with my loved ones still on Earth.

            With ten years standing between today and the day when a single car crash changed so many lives, life has rushed by in the blink of an eye. Life has stood still, unchanged. Mostly though, I’m still standing. Fighting. Thriving. Becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I was confused today when no tears came, confused when this day seemed to lack the meaning of years past.  But I’m growing up, and I’m certain this is just one point on the cresting wave that tends to be life and emotion and growth. And I’m so thankful that my life has never been stagnant.