Roadtrip: Days 5 & 6

There has been a change of plans. Day 5 of my roadtrip was supposed to consist of me driving back to Pittsburgh then flying to Chicago, Day 6 would have been filled with shopping at Woodfield Mall with a sorority sister from school and Day 7 was going to be going to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Last year's Cubs game turned into quite the adventure when a gigantic downpour started right after the ninth inning, nearly flooding the stadium. Since we were all being cheap after an expensive weekend in Chicago, my two girlfriends and I ran through the rain/took a cab for a little bit/ran some more to get from Wrigley Field to Union Station. I was really looking forward to more such adventures, but ended up in Pittsburgh for the weekend instead due to various circumstances. However, this is also good news as it means more time with my dad before I ship off in August.

Today (Day 6), we went to downtown Pittsburgh so I could do some shopping at H&M and get some lightweight dresses for work in Italy. The thought of voluntarily subjecting myself to more 100-degree temperatures after the week we've had is a little disconcerting, but I keep reminding myself that I've dreamed of this since I was little. (I try not to tell people that I've dreamed of it since watching some Mary Kate & Ashley movie where they go to Rome. Perhaps it was Hillary Duff? Either way, I'll make up a different story before I leave :))

We ate dinner at this very authentic German restaurant where the waitresses dressed in traditional costumes, live polka music was performed and the beer flowed freely. I got a chicken ceaser salad. Yes, I'm that girl. But I really wanted something fresh after all the eating out we've been doing.

After dinner we drove to a very different side of the city, the side where you hide the bags in your car and lock the steering wheel, to attend a Baptist church service. My dad, quiet as he is, seems to enjoy the boisterous music and spirited convictions involved in the services. Usually music is my favorite part of a service also, but today the sermon really touched me. The preacher's message was all about pain, the pain that we all hold inside and how not only does it affect those around us, but it also affects our ability to be a good Christian. He spoke of how sometimes God uses us through our pain; he uses that pain to renew another's faith. My favorite part was when he explained the Greek translation of the word 'tribuation'—the crushing of grapes. With his booming voice he explained that sometimes we are crushed, squeezed, broken and left bruised, but that is the way God gets out the very essence of us.

The part that hit home most to me was the notion of how holding onto our pain hinders our lives. We hold onto our pain as though it is our own private burden and in doing so we remain bitter, we become distrustful or we lose the ability to foster strong relationships. I thought about how often I hold onto the pain that has come with losing my mom, how I blame other things that happen in my life on this incident and how I often feel stuck, unable to move on. But maybe the pain that remains in my life is not due to this one event in the past, maybe I need to take responsibility for what I occasionally suffer through. (Okay not maybe, certainly.) Often times I probably provoke my own suffering by not allowing others to help and by not giving up my pain to God.

However, I also know that this is something easier said than done. I would love to give up this burden freely, but then what would I blame everything else on? I once read this quote: "It's a Catch-22: If you don't put trauma behind you, you can't move on. But if you DO put trauma behind you, you willingly give up your claim to the person you were before it happened."

The bottom line is, I'm still searching for a way to find happiness, to hold onto my past, while at the same time letting it go. This process could last a lifetime, but I take comfort in knowing I have people on this earth to help me, as well as help and love from above.